Sound of Madness
by Micaiah
Summary: "He was never going to stop yearning for his brother."  Dean makes a choice that leads to some disturbing information and a heartwrenching discovery.  Takes place one year after the season five finale.
1. Prologue

**A/N: So, here I am attempting another multi-chapter fic. I tend to make my chapters shorter than average because that's the way I like them when I'm reading a fic/book. I don't always have time to sit and read for long periods so I like to have a good stopping point. :) And speaking of reading, I haven't been doing a lot of that lately. I've avoided almost all season five finale tags because I was writing my own. I think I read one or two short ones right after the episode aired but since then I've not read any. Another reason I've not been able to read much is because I'm having problems with one of my eyes and I can't see out of it very well. Makes reading and writing very hard and since I sit at a computer all day at work, I don't much feel like doing it again once I get home. That's one reason it's taken me so long to get this fic going. The other being the fact that I was totally devastated after the finale. It was so freaking sad!**

**Anyway, I have six chapters finished and I have a clear ending in sight. I hope to post a chapter a week (every Thursday) until it's done and I hope to have it done before the sixth season premiere. If this story runs longer than we have weeks and I get everything finished in time, I will double up on the posting.**

**Thanks to all of you have have supported me in the past. You know who you are. :) Also, thanks to the Safe Haven girls for an interesting conversation about storage lock-ups (you'll see why that's important in later chapters) and thanks to my daughter, Jennifer, for being my beta even though I can't get her to watch the show. At least that English degree is good for something! And thanks to Shinedown for inspiring me with their lyrics. All song lyrics in this fic belong to them. So, turn on Sound of Madness and crank it up!**

* * *

**Prologue**

**_I created the sound of madness_**

**_Wrote the book on pain _**

**_Somehow I'm still here to explain_**

**_That the darkest hour never comes in the night_**

Sam lay shivering on the hard-packed ground, clutching the body of his younger brother close to him. Adam was dead. He had been since the moment Michael left his body, as they were plunging toward the bottom of the pit. Lucifer had hung on to Sam a little longer but when he realized he couldn't gain complete control, he left his vessel in a burst of light and the combined brilliance of both angel's true forms had left Sam blind, his eyes burned from their sockets.

Now all Sam could do was cower in the darkness, praying for an end while listening to the sounds of Lucifer and Michael engaging in battle. He had no idea what they were fighting with; maybe they didn't need anything but their bare hands. He seemed to recall seeing multiple pairs right before he lost his sight. The ground quaked every time a blow was struck and sometimes he heard the sound of other creatures in the darkness surrounding him.

"Sam." His name was a whisper in his ear.

Sam moaned. "Go away."

Occasionally Lucifer bored of the fight long enough to torment him, usually mimicking the voice of someone he loved, most often Dean but he had also used Jess and Bobby, and once, his father's voice.

"Sam, you have a choice to make."

Sam finally realized this voice was different, somewhat familiar, yet he couldn't readily identify the speaker.

"Who are you?"

"Does it really matter?"

A cool hand pressed against his forehead and a peace unlike anything he'd ever known swept over him. He had the overwhelming desire to follow the voice wherever it led him.

"You have a choice to make," repeated the voice.

"What choice?"

"You can come with me or you can return to earth, return to Dean."

"What? I don't under-"

"I can't stay here long. You must make your choice now."

"What about Adam?"

"He's coming with me. He's made his choice. Make yours now before I am forced to make it for you."

Sam's heart filled with hope, something he had long given up on. "Dean….I need to see Dean."

"Very well."

The hand on his forehead moved to his arm, gripped him tight and Sam swallowed hard as the ground dropped from beneath him. He felt a burning sensation at his left hip just before he lost consciousness.

* * *

"Dean? How are you, boy?"

Bobby clutched the phone tighter than necessary. It had been over six months since he had seen his surrogate son. He called the boy every four or five weeks, just to check in, but it wasn't the same. Dean had always been good at hiding things and communicating via telephone only made it easier.

"_I'm good, Bobby. You know me. I'm always good." _

Was that a trace of sadness in Dean's voice? Damn the crappy cell phone reception. He had half a mind to tell Dean to change his carrier. Of course, that wouldn't be suspicious at all since he could hear Dean just fine. He just wasn't able to detect the boy's mood. Evidently even a 3G network couldn't do that.

"How's Lisa and Ben?"

He glanced at the figure sitting across from him at the table, brows furrowed, dark eyes sad and so much older than six months before. Bobby listened to a few more reassurances from Dean that things were going well, said good-bye and ended the call.

"Is he okay?"

Sam leaned toward Bobby, yearning for news of his brother. Bobby sighed heavily.

"He sounded okay but Sam, I don't like this one bit. He's gonna be pissed when he finds out you're alive and neither of us bothered to tell him."

"He can't find out, Bobby. You promised you wouldn't tell him."

Some things never changed. Sam had the puppy dog eyes turned up to full strength.

"Dammit, Sam, I don't understand you at all. Why the hell don't you want Dean to know? He'd be here in a heartbeat."

"That's just it, Bobby." Sam pushed away from the table and began pacing the floor. "I don't want him to give up what he has for me. He's done that his whole life. It's my turn to do something for him."

"And you think that 'something' is staying out of his life?"

Sam nodded but his troubled eyes filled with tears. "I miss him, Bobby, I do. You don't know how hard it was for me not to walk right into that house when I came back but Dean has something he's always wanted and I'm not going to take that from him, not ever."

"Okay, alright….as long as Dean seems to be reasonably happy, we'll let him be. Now tell me about this job you've been working on."

* * *

Almost a thousand miles away, in Cicero, Indiana, Dean Winchester cradled his phone to his chest and cried.


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who put this story on alert, favorited it, left a review or just took time to read. :)**

* * *

**_I finally put it all together_**

**_That nothing really lasts forever_**

**_I had to make a choice that was not mine_**

**_I had to say good-bye for the last time_**

**_I kept my whole life in a suitcase_**

**_Never really stayed in one place_**

**_Maybe that's the way it should be_**

**_You know I live my life like a gypsy_**

**_I've said it so many times_**

**_I would change my ways_**

**_No, never mind_**

**_God knows I've tried_**

Dean sorted through his meager pile of clothes and began stuffing them into his duffel. In a whole year, he'd only managed to gain two new shirts and one new pair of jeans. One of the shirts was emblazoned with the name of Ben's baseball team on the front and a big double zero on the back, right below the word COACH. He ran his fingers over the letters before cramming the shirt to the bottom of his bag.

_God, Sammy, I tried. I tried so freaking hard._

"Hey."

Dean turned to find Lisa leaning against the door. He tried to smile and failed miserably.

"You going somewhere?"

"Lisa….I just…..I can't keep doing this."

Lisa nodded. "I know."

Why did she have to be so damn understanding? She'd been there for him from the moment he'd shown up on her doorstep, broken and alone. She'd taken him into her home and eventually her bed without a second glance and now she was looking at him, eyes filled with sympathy for what she knew he was feeling.

"Lisa, I'm sorry."

Lisa placed her hand gently against his cheek and Dean closed his eyes, relishing the touch one last time.

"I wish I knew how to help you," she whispered.

"You have, Lisa, more than you know. Without you and Ben…..I wouldn't have made it this long."

"Ben's going to miss you."

"I know." Dean returned to packing so Lisa couldn't see his face.

"Don't you want to say good-bye to him? He'll be home soon."

Her voice was pleading but Dean knew he couldn't stay. No reason to put Ben through that. He'd already freaked the kid out enough yesterday.

"I really need to get going."

Dean shouldered his bag and glanced around the room as if making sure he wasn't leaving anything behind when in all reality he was memorizing every little detail. Someday he wanted to be able to tell Sam all about it.

Lisa followed him out the front door and stood at the curb as Dean loaded his bag into the Impala. "Where will you go?" she asked.

"I'm not really sure." Dean hoped she didn't know him well enough to hear the lie in his voice.

He opened the car door as Lisa ran around to him, flinging her arms around his neck. "Please keep in touch, Dean." The pleading note was back in her voice and Dean knew he had to leave now or he would break down in her arms, the same way he had the first time they'd made love after Sammy had died.

"Yeah, sure." He kissed her cheek, climbed into the Impala and forced himself not to look back as he sped away.

* * *

God, how he had missed his baby. He floored the accelerator as soon as he was on open highway. He'd kept her maintained but hadn't driven her once since coming to Lisa's until yesterday. That was when he realized the last year had all been in vain. He was never going to have a normal life, he was never going to stop yearning for his brother, he was never going to be able to close his eyes without seeing Sam making that final sacrifice and he just couldn't live that way anymore, promise or not.

When he'd backed the car out of Lisa's garage yesterday, she'd seemed pleasantly surprised.

"_You sure about this?"_

"_Yeah, I think so. She needs to be driven if I'm going to keep her."_

_Lisa smiled. "Let me go get Ben."_

_Dean was checking the oil as Ben emerged from the house. The boy's grin spread from ear to ear as he scrambled into the back seat. He'd wanted to ride in the car from day one and Dean was sure he'd want to drive it now that he was getting older._

_Lisa climbed into the front seat and Dean revved the engine._

"_Sweet!"_

_Dean could see Ben's face in the rearview mirror. He looked like a kid at Christmas. Dean smiled and pulled out of Lisa's driveway. He could do this. He'd made a promise. He could do this. _

_They had made it about a mile down the road when it happened._

"_Hey Dean." Ben's voice was slightly muffled and Dean could no longer see the top of the boy's head. "Did you know there's a toy soldier stuck in this ashtray back here?"_

"_Don't touch it!" Dean almost screamed the words while slamming on the brakes. He barely got the Impala to the side of the road before he had tumbled out, jerking the back door open._

_Ben's face was a mixture of surprise and fear but Dean noted with relief that the soldier was still stuck in the same position it had been in for over twenty years._

"_I'm sorry, Dean." Ben turned worried eyes toward his mom. "I promise I didn't touch it."_

_Dean felt his knees go weak and that was the moment he knew…..knew he could never have the life he had always dreamed of…..the life Sam had made him promise to live. He couldn't do it….not without his brother. _

"_It's okay, Ben." Dean held out a placating hand toward the boy. "It's just…..it's really important to me that the soldier stays where it is. I should have told you."_

The sound of a horn blaring brought Dean back to the present day. He had veered narrowly close to the oncoming lane of traffic. Giving a nervous laugh he steered the Impala down the correct side of the road.

_Not just yet baby. We've got a few more miles to go._

* * *

Bobby's phone rang and he stared at the unfamiliar number before answering.

"Hello?"

"Is this Bobby? Dean's, Bobby?" A woman's voice sounded close to panic.

"Lisa?" Bobby was immediately on his feet. "What is it? Has something happened to Dean?"

A sob came across the line. "He's gone….he's…..I don't know what he's going to do but I'm scared, Bobby. I'm really scared."

"I thought he was doing okay." He silently cursed himself with every known curse word in his vocabulary for ever believing Dean was alright without his brother.

"Losing Sam…..you have no idea how hard it's been on him."

_You wanna bet, lady? I was there the first time it happened._

"He's tried to hide it but…"

"How long has it been since he left?"

"A couple of hours maybe. I would have called sooner but Ben came home right after Dean left and he was pretty upset. Thinks it's his fault."

_Holy hell, maybe that boy really is Dean's son. _

"Don't worry. I'll find him."

"How do you know where he'll be?"

"Trust me, I'll know."

Bobby ended the call and quickly dialed another number, heading toward the door as he waited for an answer.

"Hey, it's me. How fast can you get to Lawrence?"


	3. Chapter 2

Dean gripped the Impala's steering wheel when he reached the gate of Stull Cemetery. He gazed down the overgrown road that led to the place where his world had literally come to an end. Without Sam he was only half of a whole and it was time to end this charade.

Dean had promised his brother he'd try to live a normal life and for Sammy's sake, he had tried. For a year now, he had been going to ball games, hosting backyard barbecues, living the suburban life and all he could think of, for every minute of every day, was the fact that his brother was locked in Lucifer's cage with two pissed off angels for all eternity.

He'd also made a promise he wouldn't try to bust Sam out and he'd kept that one too. But he'd never promised he couldn't try to join his brother.

Dean guided the Impala down the dusty lane and parked in the clearing where he had last laid eyes on Sam. He switched off the ignition and listened to the pings of the cooling engine.

"Sorry to leave you this way, girl, but I think you'd understand." Dean lovingly ran his hand across the dashboard one last time. "Bobby will find you. He'll figure out what I've done and he'll take care of you. You'll be with family." Dean sighed. "Yeah, that's important…..being with family."

Dean checked the clip in his gun, tucked it into the waistband of his jeans and reached into the passenger seat to grab the bottle of whiskey he'd picked up in town. One last drink in honor of his brother's sacrifice one year ago on this very spot and then it would all be over.

The graveyard was eerily quiet and Dean remembered it being the same way the last time he was here until he'd broken the silence with Def Leppard blasting from the Impala's stereo. The looks on the angel's faces had almost been comical if it wasn't for the fact they were the faces of his two younger brothers.

"To you, Sammy." Dean opened the whiskey, pouring a generous amount on the ground. "And you too, Adam. I wish I'd had the chance to know you."

He lifted the bottle to his mouth but before the first sip passed his lips he was thrown through the air, landing hard on the hood of the Impala. He had a strange sense of déjà vu.

Shaking the cobwebs from his head, Dean found himself face to face with two black-eyed demons. One was holding an exceptionally large knife.

"Aw, come on! Seriously?" He shrugged. "I was planning on doing this myself but if you guys want to help, hey, whatever gets your rocks off."

"We're not here to kill you, Dean Winchester."

"Oh,yeah?" Dean arched his eyebrows, inclining his head toward the knife. "Why is that so hard for me to believe?"

_Come on, you ugly bastards. Let's just get this over with._

"We've come for the key."

"The key...what?" Realization dawned on him. "Oh, hell no. That's long gone. Destroyed that as soon as Lucifer was back in the box."

"You're lying." The demon with the knife was advancing on him and now Dean wasn't so sure this had been a good idea. If someone wanted the key to Lucifer's box, then someone was up to no good and there were still people in this world he cared about.

"Look, I couldn't risk Lucifer getting free." _Crap, crap, crap. Where the hell did I put Sammy's knife?_ He still had his gun tucked into his jeans but using it would only piss the demon off. He needed to do more damage than that.

"You'd never destroy something that could possibly set your brother free. Every demon walking the face of the earth knows that."

"What? You guys have some kind of demon tabloid to keep up with us hunters?"

_Oh, that's funny Dean, considering you haven't hunted in a year and are rusty as hell. Let's hope they kept that part out of the tabloid._

"You're going to tell us where those rings are, Dean, and if we have to skin you alive to make you talk?" The demon grinned at his partner. "That's just an added bonus for us."

Dean calculated how far it was to the trunk and if he could get it open before the demons threw him across the cemetery. He knew it was a long shot but his best bet was to move the fight toward the trunk and hope for a chance at getting the demon killing knife.

He began backing away from the demons, inching closer to the trunk. He held his hands out toward the demons as if meaning them no harm. He knew he needed to keep them talking. All demons like to hear themselves talk. Dean had never figured that one out.

"What do you guys want with the key anyway? Surely you don't want Lucifer back out?" _Just a few more feet, Dean. _"You know he killed your kind even more often than he did humans, right?"

"We have no desire to free Lucifer but the key also opens..."

"Shut up!" The second demon hadn't said anything until now. "You talk entirely too much."

When the first demon turned an angry eye upon the second one, it was all the distraction Dean needed. He fumbled for the keys in his pocket, thankful that habit had forced him to put them there instead of leaving them hanging in the ignition. The trunk was open and his hand had closed around the handle of the knife before the demons were upon him.

Dean slashed at the first demon as it rounded the end of the car. The demon jumped back, brandishing his own knife in front of him and slicing deep into Dean's forearm. The second demon had disappeared and Dean kept a wary eye on the first one while trying to scan the cemetery for the second, ignoring the blood running down his arm.

It didn't take long for the second demon to attack. He was so fast Dean almost didn't have a chance to move but at the last second some long forgotten hunter's instinct kicked in and Dean brought the knife around, burying it in the demon's neck. Unfortunately the first demon picked that time to move on Dean and he felt a cold, steel blade pass over his ribs.

Dean made a weak lunge toward the first demon before collapsing to the ground, his hand pressed against his side, blood spurting through his fingers.

The knife welding demon knelt down beside Dean, grasping Dean's face with his empty hand. "Where are the rings?"

Dean coughed, spraying the demon's face with blood. The demon bent closer as Dean's mouth tried to form words. Surprise registered on the demon's face as Dean made one final effort and plunged Sam's knife into the demon's heart.

"You stupid son of a bitch." Dean coughed again and dug in his pocket for his cell phone. He had to call Bobby and warn him about this. It was too late for him to do anything else. He was going to be with Sammy after all.

He hit the speed dial for Bobby's number but couldn't manage to bring the phone to his mouth. He heard the phone ringing, heard Bobby bark his name. Dean's eyes focused one last time and he saw Bobby's face looming above him, a familiar shape behind him.

"Whoa…..tha' w's fas….."

"Don't worry, boy, I got you."

**A/N: Thanks for reading. To be continued...**


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N: This has been one craptastic week but I had two things I was looking forward to: posting this chapter and a lock-in with the church youth group tomorrow night. Yeah, I know...most people think I'm nuts for looking forward to that (because it's been years since I was a teenager) but it's always so much fun! **

**Thanks to all of you who have been so encouraging about this story. I appreciate it very much!**

* * *

In his dreams, Sam was there, holding his hand, telling him everything was going to be okay and Dean wept. Even though every fiber of his body ached beyond relief, Dean wished desperately that these dreams were true. But if they were only dreams, he never wanted to wake up again.

* * *

Dean cracked open his eyes, moaning as every sensation came flooding at him.

"Hey, boy." Bobby's voice was gruff as always but somehow still managed to sound soft. "You back with us?"

_There is no us, Bobby. _His breath hitched at that. _There's only you. You're all I've got._

"Take it easy, Dean."

Dean finally opened his eyes all the way, gazing into the grizzled face of the only family he had left. He felt as if there was something he needed to say but his drug hazed mind wouldn't let him think. He tried to sit up but Bobby forced him back down.

"Slow it down, boy." Tears glistened in the old hunter's eyes. "I almost lost you. Can't you just take it easy for a minute?"

"Bobby, I'm sorry. There were demons…."

"I know, son. I took care of the bodies. But that's not why you went to Lawrence."

It wasn't a question and Dean knew Bobby was going to rip him a new one before it was over. He just wasn't quite ready for that yet.

"Can I get out of here?"

Dean wished he could do the puppy stare but he'd never been as effective at it as Sam. The thought brought a lump to his throat.

"We'll see what the doctor says, okay? It'll probably be a few days before they let you go and then I'm taking you home with me."

_Oh yeah, he's definitely going to rip me a new one._

* * *

Dean made his way slowly up the familiar steps. It had been a long time since he'd been here but nothing seemed to have changed….well, until he stepped into Bobby's library.

"Bobby?" Dean turned a complete circle, gazing at the maps and charts pinned to various boards set up on easels in the room. "What the hell?"

Bobby quickly ripped down a couple of the charts, rolled them up and stuffed them into a desk drawer. He glanced around almost guiltily.

"And again, I say, what the hell?" Dean painfully lowered himself to the lumpy old couch he had slept on so many times.

"It's a project I've been working on." Bobby perched on the edge of his book laden desk. "Another hunter and I have been on the trail of something. It's been….well, it's been a bitch to track down but I think we've almost got its pattern figured out."

"Is it a demon?" Dean's eyes began to grow heavy. He was still taking strong pain meds and they'd given him one just before he left the hospital.

"We're not exactly sure what it is but you really don't need to be worrying about that right now."

Bobby disappeared down the hallway and came back carrying a pillow and blanket. Dean gratefully took the pillow as Bobby spread the blanket over him.

"Just get some rest now." As Dean drifted off to sleep he heard Bobby whisper, "You're going to need it for what's coming."

* * *

Dean woke up some time later, dying to pee and desperate for a drink of water. Debating his needs, he decided his parched throat won out and he hobbled toward the kitchen, keeping a hand pressed to his side and his still aching wound. More pain medication was definitely on the immediate horizon.

At the threshold of the kitchen, he stopped short. A familiar figure was standing at the sink, his back turned to Dean. Dean's heart jumped to his throat as the figure turned to face him.

"Sammy?"

_I'm dreaming again, that's all. Just a dream._

"You're not real. Sammy's dead."

"Dean." The figure stepped toward him.

"NO!" Dean stumbled backwards from the room, desperately glancing about for a weapon of some sort. "I don't know what you are but you're not my brother."

Hurried footsteps came down the hall and Dean heard Bobby mutter a curse, then he felt the older man's arm around his shoulder. "I told you not to spring this on him yet."

Dean gave Bobby a confused look, then reluctantly gazed back at the Sam lookalike. He was thinner than Sam, with longer hair, and his eyes held a haunted look but the resemblance made Dean's heart ache.

"I didn't, Bobby."

_Oh, God, he has the same whipped look as Sam._

"I came in to check on him, he was asleep so I was getting a drink and the next thing I knew…." Sam motioned toward Dean who was leaning heavily against Bobby.

_No, not Sam. Sam is dead._

"Dammit, Sam."

Dean began to tremble. "Sam's dead."

Bobby sighed. "No,he's not, Dean."

"What?" Dean pulled away from the older man, focusing his eyes on the man who Bobby was calling Sam.

"It's true, Dean. It's really me." Sam smiled sadly.

"But how? I saw you die, Sammy." Dean rounded on Bobby, ignoring the pain in his side. "And you knew? How could you keep this from me?"

"Dean, I…."

"It's my fault, Dean."

Dean turned his attention back toward his brother. _Really? Was it really Sammy standing there?_

"I made Bobby promise not to tell."

"Why would you do that?" Dean's voice broke. "Why didn't you want me to know?"

He looked from Bobby to Sam, saw the guilt in their faces and the anger within him surged to the surface. They had no right to keep this from him, no right to decide what was best for him or maybe they had just decided they didn't need him anymore. Either way, they had no right.

Dean lunged toward Bobby, who was the closest. He wanted to make somebody hurt for the pain he'd been through the past year. His fist connected with Bobby's jaw but his recent injuries left him unsteady on his feet and they tumbled to the floor in a tangle of arms and legs. Dean scrambled away, breathing heavily. He felt familiar long fingered hands grasping his arms and he looked up into eyes he never thought to see again this side of the grave.

"Sammy?" He reached out a trembling hand to touch his brother's stubbled cheek. "Is it really you?"

"Yeah, Dean. It's really me."

Dean grasped his brother roughly by the collar. "You should have told me."

"I know. I'm sorry. I just…."

"You should have told me," Dean repeated, clutching his brother tighter. "You should have….Sammy, oh god, Sammy, you should have told me."

Then his brother's arms were around him and Dean buried his face against Sam's neck, breathing in the familiar smell of his little brother, weeping uncontrollably and once again, he was whole.

* * *

Bobby waited until Dean's sobs had abated before he gently broke the brothers apart.

"He's busted open his stitches." Bobby pointed at Dean's side where blood was slowly saturating his shirt. "Help him back to the couch."

"Come on, Dean." Sam hoisted Dean to his feet, supporting most of his weight.

After Dean was settled on the couch, Bobby cut open the shirt and applied a fresh dressing to the wound. Sam brought a glass of water from the kitchen and offered it to Dean, along with a pain pill.

"Ow, dammit, Bobby! Are you just trying to piss me off more?" He pulled away from the older hunter's ministrations and Bobby rolled his eyes at Sam.

"Dean, take it easy." Sam reached for his brother's hand and Bobby's eyes grew misty as he saw the ferocity in Dean's grasp as he took it.

A few minutes later, the pain meds had taken hold and Dean drifted off to sleep.

"God, he's pissed." Sam gave a heavy sigh.

"I told you he would be."

"Thanks for the reminder, Bobby."

Sam gave a fleeting smile and Bobby wondered how long it had been since the boy had done so. It seemed foreign to him as his mouth immediately turned into a worried frown.

"Sam, he's pissed, hurt and confused but it doesn't take away from the fact that he hasn't let go of your hand."

This time Sam's smile lasted longer.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading! See you next Thursday!**


	5. Chapter 4

**A/N: Another Thursday. One more week closer to the season six premiere! Won't be long now!**

* * *

Dean came awake with a start and felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up into Sam's face and his eyes filled with tears.

"I thought it was a dream."

"No, Dean," Sam said softly. "Not a dream."

Dean cleared his throat and wiped at his face. "Doesn't mean I'm not still pissed at you and Bobby."

"Yeah, we know, princess." Bobby entered the room and handed him a bowl of soup. "Eat that, then you can discuss how you're going to kick both of our asses."

"That is at the top of my to-do list," Dean said between spoonfuls of the best tasting soup he'd ever had. Okay, maybe not the best tasting but he was pretty hungry. His stomach growled in agreement.

Bobby pulled out the charts he had stuffed hastily into a drawer yesterday and hung them back up. Dean saw Sam's neat handwriting covering the drawings.

"So, Sammy is the hunter you've been working with?"

"Yeah, we've been working on this thing for over six months and I'm still not sure what we're looking for."

Dean's spoon clattered to the floor. "Six months? How long were you planning on keeping me in the dark, Bobby?"

Dean set the soup bowl on the floor, next to the spoon, and rose slowly to his feet.

"Dammit, Dean, are we going through this again? Sam didn't want me to tell you."

"I don't give a damn-"

"Dean, sit down."

Dean stared at his brother. "What?"

"I've been back for almost a year, Dean. If you're going to be pissed, be pissed at me. Bobby's only known about it for the past six months."

Sam lowered his eyes, unable to look his brother in the face and Dean collapsed against the couch, his heart pounding in his chest. A year? He'd gone through this hell for absolutely no reason other than what? Sam keeping his damn secrets again?

"What the hell gave you the right?" Dean demanded through clenched teeth.

"I wanted you to be happy, Dean. I just wanted you to have the normal life you'd always wished for."

Sam was pleading with his eyes for Dean to understand, and he wanted to. He wanted to be able to say it was all okay and everything was forgiven but there was no possible way he could understand why his brother would knowingly have let him suffer for an entire year. Didn't he remember what it felt like to know your brother was rotting in hell?

"Do you know what I was going to do when you found me in Lawrence?" He wished he could jump to his feet again, but he just didn't have enough strength left in him. "I was going to put a bullet through my brain before those demons interfered. Does that sound like someone who's happy to you?"

Tears were standing in Sam's eyes and he looked as though Dean had slapped him. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Sorry doesn't begin to cover it, Sammy."

"Dean, don't you think….."

"Stay out of this, Bobby."

"Okay, fine, I deserve that." Bobby picked up the bowl and spoon from the floor and handed them to Sam. "Here, take these to the kitchen. And while you're at it, go out to my car and get the book out of the back seat."

Sam nodded and retreated from the room and Dean knew that now was when Bobby was going to rip him a new one.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Bobby was vehement but he kept his voice lowered. "You just got your brother back and this is how you act?"

"Bobby, you have no idea what this last year has been like." Dean couldn't stop his voice from breaking. "I was dying without him, thinking he was locked up in Lucifer's cage all this time. You just….you don't know."

Bobby's face softened. "You're right. I have no idea but _you_ do have an idea what Sam has been through. As hard as it was for you here, don't you think being locked up in Lucifer's cage was worse, no matter how long he was there?"

Dean swallowed hard. "Has he talked about it?"

"No, he won't. I tried to get him to a couple of times but he learned from the best how to bottle it all up." Bobby crossed the room and poured himself a shot of whiskey. "It's eating him up, Dean. He's losing weight, he's not sleeping….well, at least I don't think he is. I tried to get him to stay with me because I don't like the idea of him being alone but he insisted on getting a room in town when we started working together."

Dean didn't like the sound of that. "Bobby, you are sure it's Sam that came back, right?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I did every test in the book. Hell, he was the one who wanted me to. I think he was scared after having Lucifer poking around in his brain that something might be wrong with him."

Dean ran a hand across his face. "Damn, Sammy."

They both fell silent as they heard Sam come in the back door. Sam appeared a moment later, lugging a huge book.

Dean whistled. "Damn, Bobby, you steal that from the Jolly Green Giant?"

Sam gave a small laugh and it was like balm to Dean's soul.

Bobby retrieved the book from Sam and plunked it down on his desk. Dust bunnies scattered across the room.

"I'm hoping this book will shed some light on what we may be up against."

"So, what exactly have you guys been up to anyway?" Dean motioned to the charts filling the room. He noticed Sam visibly relax at the sudden change of subject.

"Well, Sam heard a whisper awhile back that something big was stirring but damn if we can find out anything. We've been following demonic signs and such but it's usually just your everyday, run of the mill demon. Nothing major."

"Have you heard from Crowley? Maybe it's him."

"No, he was the one who gave me the tip," said Sam. "I saw him not long after…um…..after I got back and he told me what he knew."

"Which was?"

Sam shook his head. "Basically nothing. Just that he'd heard some rumors."

"He always was good at stirring up the crap, wasn't he?" Dean sighed. "Son of a bitch. I bet he's hiding deep this time."

"Anyway, the only thing we've got to go on is something is in danger of being opened and letting loose loads of demons but we don't know what, where or how it's supposed to be opened."

Sam leaned against the edge of Bobby's desk and Dean stared at his brother hard enough to make Sam turn away. The kid really did look like hell. Dean could only wonder what it had been like in Lucifer's cage.

"Wait, what?" Dean brought his attention back to Sam's words. "Something is going to be opened?"

"That's what Crowley said."

"My trip to Lawrence might have been worth it after all."

"That's not funny, Dean."

_Oh bitchface, how I've missed you._

Dean smothered a grin. "I'm just saying, those demons that attacked me? They wanted the keys to Lucifer's cage. One of them said it opened something else."

"And you failed to mention this, why?" Bobby jumped out of his chair and started thumbing through his books again.

Dean shrugged. "Never came up."

"But you destroyed the key, right, Dean?" Sam said quietly. "After I….after Lucifer was locked back up?"

"No, Sammy, I didn't." Dean replied evenly. "I wasn't going to destroy the only chance I had of getting my brother back."

* * *

Dean trudged into the kitchen early the next morning and found Sam engrossed in a pile of papers spread out on Bobby's kitchen table, his laptop open next to him.

"Dude, did you get any sleep?"

Dean poured two cups of coffee and set one of them in front of his brother. Sam's slim fingers were fairly flying across his laptop keyboard and Dean waved his hand in front of Sam's nose.

"Dude!"

"What?" Sam managed to pull his gaze away from the research and Dean saw the answer to his question. Sam's eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep, dark circles etched beneath them.

Dean sat in the chair opposite Sam, nursing his cup of coffee. "Sammy, what are you doing?"

Sam frowned and motioned toward the table. "Um….research?"

"That's not what I meant and you know it, smartass."

"Dean…."

"Sammy, you know I'm gonna ask, sooner or later."

"I can't, Dean." Sam began to fidget in his chair, his eyes flicking from one corner of the room to the next, as if searching for an escape route. "Please, don't make me."

Dean could hear the carefully disguised pain beneath his brother's plea and he nodded. "Okay, Sammy. I can't make you. But I'm here, okay?"

Sam nodded and quickly pushed away from the table, pouring his untouched coffee into the sink, keeping his back turned to Dean. Dean could see his brother's tall frame trembling, his fists clenched against the countertop. He was the one who had told Sam to take all the crap they went through and bury it, to forget about it, but Sammy wasn't made that way. Sam could never forget and sooner or later, he would have to talk.

"Morning, boys." Bobby was halfway across the kitchen before he realized he'd interrupted something. He gave Dean a quizzical look but Dean just shook his head.

"Hey, Bobby." Sam's voice sounded shaky but he returned to the table, shuffling loudly through the paperwork. "I think I may have found something last night."

"Seriously?" Dean was surprised at how quickly his mind had clicked back into hunter mode after being out of the game for so long. He leaned over the table to get a closer look at what Sam held in his hand.

Bobby was already scanning the papers. "You've got to be kidding me!"

"'Fraid not, Bobby."

Dean reread the last two paragraphs again. "No, no, no. This can't be right. Anything but that."

Sam gave a rueful smile. "Sorry, bro, but we're dealing with another angel."

"That's just freaking fantastic."

"Are we sure this is an angel?" asked Bobby.

"The lore on this one is pretty vague but the general consensus is yes, it's an angel." Sam retrieved a book from the floor, the same one he had brought in from Bobby's truck yesterday and flipped it open to a marked page.

"Is that him? Abaddon?" Dean shuddered. "He is one fugly son of a bitch."

"Of course, we have no idea what he looks like while he's walking the earth," Bobby reminded them.

"Not yet," said Sam.

"Not yet? What does that mean?"

"We have his name. Bobby can summon him."

"Here? Are you nuts?" Dean looked to Bobby for agreement but wasn't seeing any. "Bobby? I'm not liking the look on your face."

Bobby shrugged. "Shouldn't we know what we're up against?"

"We do!" cried Dean, slamming his cup down on the table. "It's another freaking angel and I don't know about you guys, but if I never see another angel again, it will be too soon!"

"But Dean….."

"No, Sam! We know what it wants, we don't need to introduce ourselves to it. We'll get the rings and destroy them. After that, if you want to discuss a way of killing it or sending it back to the outfield forever then I'm all for it but I think our priority right now should be to destroy the rings."

"Well, that shouldn't be too hard." Bobby rescued the cup from Dean's hand. "What did you do with them?"

"There's actually a funny story about that…."

Bobby arched an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

"No, not really." Dean sighed. "I hid them."

"Okay, genius, we figured that much. So where are they?"

"Well, I didn't want to leave them all together in one place….."

"Aw, dammit, boy. You hid them in four different places?"

Dean gave a sheepish grin. "Well, yeah."

"That was actually a good idea." Sam gave him a tentative smile from across the table.

"Thanks, Sammy. Apparently Bobby just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or he's determined to make up for a year's worth of missed bitching at me all in one day."

"Alright, it was a good idea," Bobby conceded. "It just makes our job a little harder. Please tell me that at least they're close by."

"Bobby, what makes you think our luck is going to change now?"

Bobby harrumphed, threw up his hands and stalked from the room. Dean rolled his eyes, gave his brother a wide grin and Sam burst into laughter. Dean couldn't think of anything that had ever sounded so wonderful.

* * *

"So, tell me what you know about this Abaddon." Dean was sifting through the bottom drawer of Bobby's huge standing toolbox. It was full of nothing but screws, nuts and bolts and somewhere in the midst of it, he had thrown War's ring for safekeeping.

Sam pulled up a cinder block to sit on. "Everything I could find on him was pretty vague but I did find a few consistencies."

"Such as?"

"Well, he's definitely an angel and he's known as the angel of the bottomless pit."

"Not THE pit?"

"You mean the one I was in?" Sam averted his eyes. "No, it's another pit but apparently it's home to some pretty nasty demons."

"And these same keys that open Lucifer's cage also open the bottomless pit?"

"Yes." Sam shifted uncomfortably on his makeshift stool. "Abaddon was supposed to be given the keys once the apocalypse started so he could open the bottomless pit and release hordes of demons and other fallen angels into the world."

"Like we need any more of those."

"These are supposed to be ten times worse than what we're used to."

"Well, there's a cheerful thought." Dean spotted a glimmer of gold nestled at the bottom of the drawer and he yanked it out triumphantly. "Let's torch this sucker. If we destroy it, the rest of the rings will be worthless and maybe Bobby will be a little less grumpy."

"I heard that."

Bobby rounded the corner of the garage with a blowtorch in his hand.

"Think that will do it?" asked Sam.

"We're about to find out."

* * *

Four hours later Bobby threw his blowtorch across the yard in disgust. All three men were tired and sweaty and Dean was pretty sure he had popped another stitch but he wasn't about to tell Bobby right now. They had tried everything they could think of including Bobby's car crusher and nothing worked. The ring sat unharmed on the ground between them, mocking them in its perfection.

"There has to be a way," Sam muttered. He jumped to his feet, disappeared into the garage and reappeared shouldering a sledge hammer.

Dean and Bobby scrambled backwards as Sam brought the sledge hammer down in a resounding blow. The ring remained unscathed. Sam pounded it again and again, cords standing out along his arms and neck.

Dean could sense the desperation in his brother's actions. If the rings couldn't be destroyed, there was a chance of Lucifer being set free and Sam was still his chosen vessel.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sammy, stop it!" Dean reached for the sledge hammer but Sam pulled away, giving one more reckless swing and then his shoulders slumped in defeat. He dropped the sledge hammer to the ground and stormed off toward the house.

"Sammy, wait!" Dean jogged slowly after him. "Sammy!"

"Dean, what the hell are you doing? You're going to rip your stitches out again."

"I think I already have," breathed Dean heavily. "Don't tell Bobby."

Sam huffed in exasperation. "Come on, I'll check it out before he gets back to the house."

Dean clapped him on the back. "Thanks, Sammy. And don't worry about the rings. We'll find another way. There's no way Lucifer's busting out again."

"Dean, it's not just me I'm worried about." Sam's face was dark with fear. "Michael's still there too."

Dean paused for a moment. "Huh. I never even thought of that."

* * *

**To be continued...thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 5

**Thanks for all the continued support.**

* * *

_I watched it all up close_

_I knew him more than most_

_I saw a side of him he never showed_

_Full of sympathy_

_For a world that wouldn't let him be_

_That's the man he was_

_Have you heard enough?_

Sam lagged behind Dean on purpose so he could watch his brother's progress. Dean was favoring his left side, holding his arm close to his body, as he trudged slowly back toward Bobby's house. He wasn't in any shape to go traipsing across the country on some supernatural scavenger hunt but Sam knew he'd have a hard time convincing his brother of that fact.

_I was going to put a bullet through my brain….._

Dean glanced back over his shoulder. "You coming or what?"

Sam stepped up his pace until he was walking shoulder to shoulder with his older brother and gave him a side long glance. _Would you really have done it, Dean? _He wanted to ask but he knew he'd never get a straight answer. When Dean mounted the steps he faltered and Sam reached out a hand to steady him.

"Thanks, Sammy. Guess I'm still a little woozy from all the pain meds."

_Pain meds, my ass. You haven't had one since this morning. _

Yeah, convincing Dean to sit this one out wasn't going to be easy.

Once inside, Dean settled on Bobby's old couch and pulled open his shirt. The wound was healing but it was slow going since Dean had already ripped it open once. Sam ran his fingers over the stitches.

"I think you're good. Doesn't seem to be anything opened up again but you probably shouldn't push it for a few days. Give it time to heal."

Dean buttoned up his shirt again. "It'll heal while we're driving to get the rings."

"Dean, I think you should….."

"Don't, Sammy. You don't get to decide what's best for me because you have no idea."

Sam sighed. He really didn't want to get into this now. Not while Dean was still so pissed but Sam wasn't sure if there would ever come a time when his brother wasn't pissed at him. Over the years it seemed to happen more and more frequently. No matter what Sam did, it always backfired.

Sam had spent so much time trying to make up for what happened with Ruby. He wanted his brother to trust him the way he used to, before Heaven and Hell had taken over their lives, but it seemed no matter what he did he only ended up disappointing Dean.

He had sought redemption for breaking the last seal and had finally found it by sacrificing everything he had, including his life, but it would never be enough if Dean couldn't forgive him.

"Dean, I don't know how many times I can apologize."

"Then don't, Sammy. I don't want an apology. I just want a brother I can trust."

"You can, Dean, I swear."

Dean's face was hard. "No. How can I trust you when you couldn't even be bothered to tell me you were alive?"

Sam felt the tears spring to his eyes and he worked to push everything down. It's what Dean had told him, so long ago after they had killed the wraith, to take all the crap, bury it and forget it. He'd been trying to forget ever since the day he'd been pulled from Lucifer's cage.

"I just wanted to do something for you, Dean. You'd always wanted a family. I didn't want to take that away from you and I just….." He swallowed hard.

"What?"

Sam lowered his eyes, shaking his head. He felt his brother's hand on his arm.

"Sammy, you're my family. I want to help you, if you'll let me."

"If you really want to help me," Sam caught his brother's glance and held it. "You'll go back to Lisa."

"Dammit, Sam, how's that supposed to help you?"

"You made a promise, Dean."

"That's not an answer, Sammy, and that promise doesn't count anymore."

"Why the hell not?" Sam jumped to his feet. "You promised me you'd try to live a normal life. Me being back doesn't negate that promise!"

"I tried, Sammy!" Now Dean was also on his feet, although somewhat unsteady. "You have no idea how hard I tried but I couldn't because I thought you were trapped in Lucifer's pit. I couldn't live with that, Sammy. I just couldn't."

"What the hell is all this racket about?" Bobby stormed into the room and planted himself between them.

"Nothing, Bobby." Sam grabbed his jacket. "I was just leaving. I'll be back in the morning."

Dean glared at him. "Be ready to hit the road. We're going after those rings."

Sam huffed in exasperation, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

Sam pulled the old Lincoln Bobby had loaned him into the parking spot in front of his motel room. Until he had visited Bobby about six months ago, he had been hitchhiking his way around but Bobby had insisted on providing him with a vehicle so Sam had chosen something that wouldn't cramp his long legs. He wasn't nearly as picky about a car's looks as Dean was. The thought brought a painful smile to his face.

He hadn't wanted Dean back in the hunt. He still wanted a better life for his older brother; one not spent looking out for him or sacrificing everything for the greater good of others. Sam sighed. He still had one more card to play but if it backfired Dean would be more pissed than ever.

The windows of Sam's motel room were brightly lit. He left the lights on 24/7 because he didn't want to…..no, he couldn't, return to a dark room. He'd replaced every single bulb in the room with one that had extra wattage and sometimes even that wasn't good enough to help him sleep. He chuckled at the thought. Who was he kidding? Nothing was going to help him sleep.

Once inside, Sam tossed his jacket onto the bed, pulled a beer from the small fridge and settled into the overstuffed chair he had taken a strange liking to. He wondered with half-hearted amusement if he could have it hauled to Bobby's once he gave up residence at the motel.

He pulled out his cell phone and scrolled thru his contact list. He passed over Lisa's name three times before finding the courage to hit the call button. Bobby had called her the other day from Dean's hospital room to let her know Dean was okay and that Sam was still alive. Sam was surprised she hadn't asked too many questions. He hoped she wouldn't this time either. He just couldn't talk about it.

"Hello?"

"Lisa, hey, this is Sam."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line and Sam thought she had hung up on him.

"Why the hell did you let Dean think you were dead?" Her voice was seething with anger. "Do you have any idea what you did to him?"

"I thought…..we thought….." Sam tried to swallow the huge lump in his throat. "Bobby called and checked on him. We thought he was doing okay."

"You called the wrong person. If you wanted to know how Dean was doing, you should have called me. I was the one who heard him calling your name in his sleep. I was the one who held him when he cried. I was the one who was there for him. WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?"

"I'm sorry." God, how many times had he said that in the last few days?

"What do you want, Sam?"

Sam cleared his throat. _Just bury it, Sam. Bury it and forget it._

"I want you to convince Dean to come back."

"He's not going to come back." Lisa exhaled loudly into the phone. "I've always known he would leave me someday to be with you. I just thought I'd be burying him when he did."

"Was he…" Sam's voice broke. "Was he ever happy? I just wanted him to be happy."

"I think there were times that he was." Lisa's voice had softened, the anger fading from her words. "I think he tried….no, I know he tried but he was just too broken, Sam. He'd seen too much, been through too much. I don't know everything that happened. He never told me and I never asked but a person can't be happy when their reason for living is gone. You were that reason, Sam. Even I could see that."

Sam choked back a sob. _Bury it, forget it._

"Can you…..will you tell me, something that made him happy? A time when he seemed to forget? I just want to know he had something that was normal even if it was just for a little while."

Lisa's voice grew warm and he could imagine her smiling. "Well, there was the time he hosted his first barbecue and for the life of him, he couldn't figure out how to get the grill started."

Sam laughed at the image of his older brother, hunter extraordinaire, completely befuddled by the mechanisms of a gas grill but then again, their dad had been a genius who could barely operate a toaster. He wiped the tears from his eyes as Lisa continued to tell him stories from the last year of Dean's life until the early hours of the morning.

* * *

Sam woke, gasping for breath, a barely restrained scream locked in his throat. He ran a shaky hand across his face, reaching for the bottle of Jack he'd left sitting on the table beside him. He drained the last dredges of the bottle, feeling it burn all the way to the pit of his stomach.

Sinking back against the lumpy chair, he pulled a small leather bound book from his duffel and opened it to the first blank page. Fumbling through his bag, he found a pen and began to write.

_Last night: slept two hours & fifteen minutes. Fell asleep sometime around 4:00, woke around 6:15. Ten minutes longer than my best sleep since coming back._

_Dreamed of falling again only this time Dean grabbed me at the last minute and we both fell in together. God, I wish I could just sleep. I'm so tired._

Sam slammed the book shut and rubbed his aching eyes. He didn't know why he felt compelled to keep up with the amount of sleep he got or the dreams he had. He supposed he was longing for the day when he could look back at the journal and see that he had made some sort of breakthrough. He kept hoping for a time when it wasn't raging in his head every hour of the day. He glanced around the room at all the lights still burning brightly.

How was he ever going to keep this from Dean?

* * *

When Sam arrived back at the junk yard he found Bobby setting things up for a summoning spell. He raised his eyebrow at the older man.

"No, it's not for Abaddon. Dean's pissed enough as it is." Bobby paged through a book lying open on the desk. "It's for Castiel. We thought maybe he needed to know what was going on if he doesn't already."

"Yeah, so much for never seeing another angel." Dean stalked into the room, avoiding Sam's eyes.

"Look, you agreed….."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, Bobby. Just get it over with."

Bobby began muttering under his breath and Sam wasn't sure if he was cursing at Dean or actually performing the spell. Sam jumped when Dean's phone began to ring.

"Hello?"

Dean's eyes narrowed and he glanced from Bobby to Sam.

"Hey, can I, uh….call you back?"

Sam shifted uncomfortably. It had to be Lisa calling. Could Dean read the guilt on his face?

Dean continued to murmur into the phone and Sam caught the words Illinois and job. Did Dean hide one of the rings in Illinois? And if so, where? The location clicked in Sam's mind the same time Dean hung up his phone but before Sam could ask, Dean was shouting at them both.

"Okay, which one of you called Lisa!"

"I called her while you were in the hospital," said Bobby. "You gonna shoot me for it?"

In spite of Dean's anger, Sam had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from grinning. Bobby wasn't going to take Dean's crap this morning. Almost dying only bought you so much of a grace period with the older man.

"That's not what I'm talking about." Dean turned toward Sam. "I think somebody put some ideas in her head. Ideas that sounded a lot like the ones you were spouting off yesterday."

"I'm trying to do a spell here if you don't mind!" Bobby slammed the book shut and glared at them both.

Dean fell silent as Bobby finished the spell and waited for Castiel to appear. After fifteen minutes of awkward silence, Sam asked the obvious.

"He's not coming, is he?"

"You think?" Dean's anger was still evident.

"Why wouldn't a summoning spell work, Bobby?"

"Only two reasons I can think of and neither one of them is good."

"You care to elaborate on that?" Dean's voice was hard but Sam could see the worry in his brother's eyes.

"Either Cas is being held prisoner in a ring of holy fire somewhere or else he's dead, Dean. There's nothing else that could hold him back from a summoning."

Dean nodded and turned away from them. Sam could see defeat already working its way across his brother's shoulders, sagging from having the weight of the world placed there since he was old enough to carry his baby brother from a burning house.

"Dean, look, just…"

Dean rounded on him, tears standing in his eyes. "Don't, Sammy, just…..don't."

"You don't even know what I was going to say!" He wasn't even sure himself, he just wanted to offer some sort of comfort to his brother. Just one more addition to the list of things he couldn't do right anymore.

"It doesn't matter. It's just more of the same."

"Dean….."

Dean wiped his hand across his face and gave his patented, I'm okay, smile. "Let's just go get those rings before anything else goes wrong."

"You might want to fill me in on exactly where it is I'm going," said Bobby as he began packing up his summoning essentials.

"You're not going anywhere."

"Dean, we need Bobby's help to get these rings. Look, I know…."

Dean's fist suddenly shot out toward him and Sam's head rocked backwards from the blow. He cried out in pain and surprise, his hand automatically coming up to finger his bruised jaw.

"You don't know anything." Dean reached for his duffel and Bobby grabbed him by the collar.

"Listen here you stubborn ass. Your brother brought me onto this job, not you. So, I'm going to help and you're going to shut your pie hole. If you think you're the only one who's been suffering for the past year, then you're a selfish son of a bitch."

Dean's face crumbled and Sam held his breath, hoping that Bobby could get through to him in a way that he couldn't. Bobby had kept a heavy secret for almost six months and it had been unfair of Sam to ask him but he'd needed help and he didn't know where else to go. Bobby was the only other hunter he could trust besides Dean. Sam had brought Bobby into this deception and now Dean was going to take it out on both of them.

"I'm sorry, Bobby, I just….."

Bobby grasped Dean's face in his own hands. "Boy, I know, okay? I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you about Sam. We thought you were okay. I swear we would have told you if we'd known you weren't."

Dean leaned against Bobby for a moment and Sam heard a choked sob escape his brother's throat. He swallowed hard against his own tears.

_Bury it, Sam. Forget it._

He backed slowly from the room leaving Dean and his surrogate father alone; trying to tell himself the image of Bobby's arms around his brother didn't fill him with a desperate kind of longing, a longing to be forgiven by the one he'd hurt the most.

* * *

Bobby found him sometime later, sitting on the front steps, his aching face buried in his hands. He was wondering what it was going to be like, travelling with Dean again after all this time. Ideally they would all go after a separate ring, but pissed or not, Sam wasn't letting Dean go alone with his recent injuries.

"Sam, I brought you this."

Something cold pressed against his face. Sam took the offered ice pack, eyes searching the older man's face. "Is he okay?"

Bobby shook his head. "No, but neither are you."

"I'm fine, Bobby." He scooted over to make room for Bobby to sit, while holding the ice pack to his bruised jaw.

"You can't con a con man, son." He offered Sam a sad smile and Sam knew all he had to do was lean against this man, who had become like a father to him, and Bobby would put his arms around him and tell him it would all be okay.

But he couldn't. He'd buried it for so long now he was afraid if he ever let go of the pain he'd never be able to get himself under control again. He couldn't afford to lose control, not when the world was still depending on them. So, he took a deep breath, looked Bobby square in the eye and lied.

"Really, Bobby, I'm fine."

Bobby gave him a long look before finally responding. "Okay, then. Dean said we'd be ready to hit the road in about twenty minutes."

* * *

**A/N: I've had different people ask me if I wrote this before or after season six spoilers started coming out and if I have changed anything about my story because of those. Everything I've written up to chapter eight (I think...I've lost count) was written before any spoilers came out and I've changed nothing to go with those. I had the whole story mapped out. A few little details always change along the way but it's usually just something happens sooner or later than I meant for it...that actually happened with the chapter I was writing the other night. I knew I was going to do something but wasn't sure when and the opportune time came up. Okay, I'm sure that's way more than you wanted to know and if you haven't read any spoilers, it means nothing to you anyway. :) **


	7. Chapter 6

Dean trudged down the steps, ignoring Sam completely, and headed for the Impala. Sam studied him for a moment before joining him. Dean was checking the weapons as Sam approached. It had been a long time since Sam had seen the inside of that trunk.

"Hey."

"Hey, yourself." Dean continued to methodically go through the cache without looking up.

Sam glanced at the weapons, unsure if he should touch anything. "Where's the Colt?"

"I gave it to Bobby a long time ago. I figured he needed it if he was gonna keep hunting." Dean reached into his jacket and pulled out Sam's demon killing knife. "Glad you guys didn't leave this in the cemetery."

"Bobby knew you'd kill us." Sam gave an uneasy grin.

"Man knows his stuff." Sam wondered if those words had some kind of double meaning as Dean wiped the already spotless knife blade on the sleeve of his jacket and offered the handle to Sam.

Sam stared at it, realizing the irony of a demon killing knife once again being offered as the proverbial olive branch, but even more than that, a sign of his brother's willingness to try and trust him again. Sam swallowed hard as he grasped the familiar handle. "Thanks."

Dean nodded and picked up a shotgun. He pointed toward the front of the car with the barrel. "There's something else you might want in the back seat."

Sam opened the back door of the Impala, shocked to see his old leather messenger bag with his laptop still inside. Dean sidled up next to him.

"I noticed you have another laptop but I thought there might still be some stuff on there you would want."

"Yeah….um….thanks."

"All your other stuff is there too. I stored it with the Impala."

Sam shook his head. His ears must not be working right because he thought he'd just heard Dean say the Impala had been stored. "You did what?"

"I stored it with the Impala," repeated Dean.

Dean must have read the confusion on Sam's face. "I couldn't drive it, Sammy. It was…it was just too hard. And besides it wasn't the same without you bitching about my taste in music."

Dean tried to laugh but Sam saw the great pain beneath the bright depths of his brother's green eyes.

"Dean, I…" And then his eyes caught the toy soldier, still sitting there in the ashtray, where it had been since they were kids, where it had been on his last day on Earth before jumping into the pit. The memories it evoked now were even more powerful than the ones it had brought forth on that day. His brother, beaten within an inch of his life, staring up at him through swollen eyes….._I'm here. I'm not gonna leave you._

"Sammy, are you okay?"

Dean grabbed for his arm but Sam pushed him away, stumbled across the yard, falling to his hands and knees, retching violently in the grass. He felt a comforting hand on his back and he stifled a moan.

_This is why I didn't call you. I don't want this for you, Dean. You deserve better than this…better than me._

"Sammy?"

"I'm fine, Dean." His stomach heaved one last time and he wiped a shaky hand across his mouth realizing his other hand had unconsciously reached for his brother, the only anchor he had for his quickly shredding sanity.

Dean glanced down at the hand fisted in his shirt. "Fine, huh? Sammy, you can lie to yourself all you want. But if you really want me to trust you, please quit lying to me."

* * *

They had been on the road for an hour before he felt safe enough talking about anything. He needed to know the details of where they were going although he was pretty sure he'd figured out where the first ring was.

"The first ring is at Mom's grave, isn't it?"

"How'd you know that?"

"I heard you mention Illinois to Lisa and that was the only place that made sense."

"I'm glad it makes sense to you because at the time, none of it made sense to me." Sam saw Dean give him a sideways glance.

"I'm fine, Dean. Will you quit looking at me that way?"

"Uh, huh."

"Dean, seriously….."

"You forget who you're lying to, Sammy. I know you."

"I'm not doing this with you right now, Dean." He sunk down in the seat as if he was going to sleep, knowing this wasn't the case. He pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing heavily. "Where are the other rings?"

Dean was silent for a moment before answering. "The other one we're going after is in Dad's lock-up."

"And?"

"And, what?"

"There are four rings, Dean. Where's Bobby going?"

Dean gave him a look and it suddenly hit him where the fourth ring was.

"Palo Alto?"

Dean nodded. "I told you it didn't make sense."

But it did. Dean would have hid the rings in places that meant something to him and what had always meant the most to him was family. Each ring was with family. Mom, Dad, Bobby and himself, by way of Jessica's grave.

It had been so long since Palo Alto. Some days it seemed as if that world had never existed and then Sam would take out a much faded photograph and remember a time when his only worry had been whether or not Jessica Moore would say yes when he asked her out on a date.

"Thanks for not taking me there," he whispered, his voice raw with emotion.

"You're welcome," said Dean. "I am still the big brother, you know. It's still my job to look out for you."

_But you deserve so much more than that, Dean._

He wanted to tell his brother but instead he gazed out the window, watching as the world passed him by.

* * *

When they arrived at the cemetery, it was just after dark. Dean told him to just wait in the car but Sam didn't want Dean going in by himself. Dean's injury was weeks away from being fully healed and with angels and demons once again on their asses, he wasn't taking a chance on his brother going in alone.

As it turned out, no one was waiting for them in this cemetery the way they had been waiting for Dean at Stull. They retrieved the ring that had belonged to Pestilence without any trouble and Sam found himself faced with the prospect of spending the night in a motel room with his brother for the first time in over a year.

"I could drive for awhile," suggested Sam as they pulled into the parking lot of one of the cheaper motels on the edge of town.

"What?" Dean yawned widely. "Sam, I'm beat and even if we drove all night we'd still have to stop for some sleep somewhere before we made it to New York."

Sam gave voice to his last hope. "We can….uh….you know, get separate rooms, if you want."

Dean gave him a bewildered look. "Why the hell would we do that? Sam, is there something you want to tell me?"

"No, I just thought…..you know….it might be awkward after so long."

"Dude, you are such a girl sometimes. Can we just get a room? I need some sleep."

Sam sighed. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

Once they had settled into the hotel room and gotten a bite to eat, Sam made a big production of spreading all his research across the table. He carried the corner lamp from the far side of the room and angled it to where it shone brightly across the papers and the chair he planned to spend the night in.

"Dude, are you seriously going to do research now?"

Dean had already fallen into bed, pulling the covers up to his chin.

"Is it going to bother you?"

"No, but you need some sleep, Sammy. You look like hell."

Sam saw the look of regret cross Dean's face as he realized what he'd said.

"I didn't…..Sammy, you know what I meant."

"It's okay, Dean. I mean, hey, what am I supposed to look like?" He tried to force a smile upon his face but even on the best days he had trouble with something as simple as a joke.

"I'm not even gonna pretend that was funny." Dean scowled. "Seriously, dude, get some sleep."

Sam nodded. "Sure, okay. In a bit."

Sam was aware of Dean staring at him as he began to read. Pretty soon it became evident Dean wasn't going to get any sleep as long as Sam was sitting at the table. He slammed his book shut and pulled some clean clothes from his bag.

"Dude, what are you doing?"

"I'm gonna take a shower."

"Now? Can't that wait until morning?" Dean buried his head beneath the blankets.

"It's not like I need your help, Dean."

Sam heard a loud sigh from underneath the mound on Dean's bed. "Just hurry up and get to bed. I need you fresh to drive in the morning."

_Who's lying now, Dean? You're just waiting to see if I go to sleep._

* * *

Sam stepped out of the shower, wrapped a towel tightly around his waist and peered out the bathroom door, intending to check on his brother. The darkness of the room immediately engulfed him and he felt his throat closing up, breath coming in gasps. He stumbled backwards into the bathroom and collapsed to the floor in a quivering heap.

_I can't do this. I can't. _

He breathed slowly through his mouth, willing his body to stop trembling.

_Bury it, Sam._

But he couldn't. The one thing he couldn't forget was the darkness and the things that dwelt there. By earth standards, he had only been in the pit for almost a month, but the endless night he had been plunged into felt like an eternity. He had cowered in that darkness with his dead brother by his side, longing to see Dean just one more time, praying to a God he had been certain no longer cared.

Shudders ran through his tall frame. He'd never been alone in that darkness. The sound of Lucifer and Michael's brotherly squabble was ever present except for the times Lucifer stopped long enough to torment Sam, sometimes physically and always mentally. And each time he'd ask if he could once again inhabit Sam's body, just for a short time.

Lucifer never gave any indication of why he would want back in and Sam didn't care. He knew he just had to say no and he must have repeated that word more than any person in the history of the universe. And even while doing so he couldn't help but think: _This is what it was like for Dean. Every day, Alastair making him an offer, and everyday Dean telling him no._

But Dean hadn't been strong enough to keep saying no so Sam knew it was only a matter of time before he wasn't strong enough either. How do you resist the devil for an eternity when you've already let him in once? Wouldn't the next time be so much easier for him to get his foot in the door? And if his brother couldn't resist the torture what hope did he have?

Sam sighed and pushed himself shakily to his feet. He pressed his ear to the bathroom door but could hear no movement from Dean. Dean must have turned the lights off after Sam had sought refuge in the bathroom and was probably fast asleep.

He couldn't go back out there. The dark only evoked those feelings of being back in the pit, where endless hands were always reaching for him, wanting to pull him deeper into the blackness, tearing at him and leaving him bleeding for days.

_God, help me._

Sam tossed the towel onto the floor, pulling on a pair of soft grey sweats he'd found in his things that Dean had saved. He studied the burn scar at his left hip, then raised his eyes toward the ceiling, choking back tears.

"Please…..."

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading! See you next week!**


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thanks for all the continued support. It's been great getting to know new people via this story. :)**

* * *

_If you only knew_

_How many times I counted all the words that went wrong_

_If you only knew_

_How I refuse to let you go even when you're gone_

When Dean awoke, he was immediately aware of Sam's absence from the room.

_Dammit, I shouldn't have gone to sleep._

He wasn't sure how he was supposed to have managed that feat when his body was still screaming for rest. He rubbed his hands vigorously over his face, attempting to scrub away the fatigue. Rolling over to the edge of the bed, he switched on the bedside lamp and blearily surveyed the room.

Sam's bed had never been slept in and Sam's things were all where he'd left them when he'd went to take a shower. Dean glanced at the closed bathroom door and was immediately wide awake. Sam had never come out of the bathroom.

_Damn, damn, damn, Sammy, please don't do this._

With a trembling hand, Dean turned the knob and slowly pushed the door open. Sam was slumped in the floor, head resting against the edge of the tub. Dean's heart jumped to this throat but then he realized there was no blood anywhere and Sam's chest was rising and falling gently. Why the hell was his brother asleep in the bathroom?

Dean lowered himself to the floor and crossed his legs. He sat silently, watching his brother sleep; something he was sure Sam didn't do enough. This was the first time he'd really been able to study his brother since they had reunited.

Sam's hair had always been ridiculously long in Dean's opinion but it now appeared as though Sam had forgone haircuts altogether. He had, however, shaved his face which was gaunt and pale. Dean felt a twinge of guilt at the dark bruise on Sam's jaw but then decided Sam was damn lucky one punch was all he had thrown.

Dean could tell the kid had definitely lost weight. Before his leap into the pit, Sam had been to the point of almost bursting out of most of his shirts because of all the muscle mass but now his clothes hung off of him, as if they were hand me downs from someone two sizes larger.

Dean wondered if he was even eating at all. He remembered when he returned from Hell how it had been hard for him to eat at times, especially meat, the one thing he had loved before taking the trip downstairs. In those days, the smell reminded him too much of the charred flesh he had help Alastair slice up on a daily basis. Even now, he sometimes had trouble eating a burger. Did Sam have memories like those or was it something even worse?

Dean hadn't thought anything could get worse than being trapped in Hell with Alastair but Sam had been in the devil's pit with Lucifer himself. And while he wasn't exactly sure what was in that pit, Dean couldn't imagine spending any amount of time with Satan would be good for the soul.

"Sammy, I'm sorry," whispered Dean. "I wish I could have saved you from that."

Sam moaned in his sleep and Dean pressed his hand against his brother's chest. Sam quieted but Dean kept his hand there, rising and falling with Sam's every breath, relishing the feel of his brother's strongly beating heart.

Dean had begun nodding off himself when his cell phone rang out in the motel room. He jerked his eyes open, almost falling backwards when Sam came awake with a gasp, clawing at the air. Dean grabbed his brother by the shoulders and gave him a gentle shake.

"Sammy? You're okay. You with me?"

Sam's head bobbed in acknowledgement but his eyes were not on his brother. Like a starving man, Sam's eyes had hungrily searched out the light hanging from the ceiling. Even now, with Dean only inches from his face, Sam's eyes were drinking in the glow of the single bulb illuminating the small bathroom. The realization of what it meant slowly dawned upon Dean.

Regardless of whatever else had happened in the pit, Dean knew that the time Sam had spent with Lucifer had been wrapped in absolute darkness.

* * *

"Was that Bobby?"

Sam busied himself pulling clothes out of his duffel, while avoiding Dean's face.

"Yeah." Dean snapped his cell phone shut, rubbing the back of his hand against his eyes. "Why the hell is he up so early? He probably woke the freaking rooster up this morning."

Sam smiled but kept his eyes lowered as he headed back toward the bathroom to change clothes.

"Sammy?"

Sam paused with his back still turned.

"You know we're going to talk about this, right?"

Sam's heavy sigh told Dean how much weight the kid was carrying. He needed to let it go.

"Yeah, Dean, I know."

Dean nodded even though Sam's back was still to him. "Okay, then. Go get dressed because I'm starving and I saw a Waffle House down the road last night."

* * *

Dean glanced over at Sam who was carefully studying the two rings in his hand.

"Got everything figured out yet?"

"Huh?" Sam gave his brother a distracted look. "You say something?"

"What's going on in that freaky head of yours?"

"Nothing, Dean. I was just wondering what makes them work."

"I can promise you, it's nothing good. I just hope Bobby's theory is right and we can finally destroy the damn things when they're all together."

Sam shoved the rings into his pocket and pulled out the road map, tracing the route to New York with one long finger. Dean rolled his eyes and reached for the radio dial, cranking the music as loud as it would go. Every attempt at conversation for the past few hours had failed and Dean was to the point where he just wanted to make it back to Bobby's, destroy the rings and attempt to go on from there. What that actually meant…..Dean had no idea.

They had decided to drive straight through to New York and retrieve the ring even though it was a lot of nonstop driving and put them arriving at the lock-up around three a.m. Dean was getting ready to ask Sam how many more miles they had to go when his cell phone rang. He turned down the radio and without looking at the caller id, flipped the phone open.

"Hey, Bobby."

"D-Dean?"

"Lisa? What's wrong?" Dean felt something clench in his gut.

"Where are y-y-you?" Lisa sobbed into the phone but it was cut short by a gasp.

"Lisa!"

Dean was aware of Sam leaning toward him, wanting to know what was happening on the other end of the phone.

"Hello, Dean." A voice as smooth as spun silk glided into Dean's ear.

"Who the hell is this?" Dean gripped the Impala's wheel tightly as he steered to the side of the road.

"Take a guess, Dean. You've already met most of my family."

"Abaddon." Dean ground the name out through clenched teeth. "You sons of bitches just keep coming out of the wood work."

Sam motioned for the phone but Dean pushed his hand away.

"I've been looking for you for a long time, Dean, but you're a hard man to find."

Dean grimaced. "Yeah, well, I try to stay away from shit. It tends to mess up my shoes."

Rich laughter came pouring through the phone. "I heard you were a funny one. Let's see how funny you are in a few minutes. Listen carefully."

There was a pause on the other end of the phone.

"Hello?"

Lisa began to scream.

"Don't you hurt her you son of bitch!" Dean flung open the door of the Impala and Sam was at his side almost before he was all the way out of the car. "Please….don't hurt her."

How had that bastard found Lisa? And an even worse thought followed: where was Ben?

"Now here's what you're going to do, Dean. You're going to tell me where those rings are before someone gets hurt."

Dean clutched at Sam's arm, desperately trying not to panic. How could he have been so stupid? Didn't he know this was going to happen someday? Even if Sam had never escaped the pit, some evil son of a bitch was going to show up sooner or later and take everything he had left. Sooner or later, he was always going to be left alone.

Sam pried the phone from his hand. "Let her go now."

Dean could no longer hear the velvety smooth voice but he could see Sam's face harden as he listened to the angel of the bottomless pit.

"We're going to Black Rock, New York, you bastard. Castle Storage." Sam's voice was nothing but pure hatred. "Now leave her alone or I swear to God, I will kill you."

Sam handed him the phone and pulled his own cell from his pocket. Dean heard Lisa's frantic voice yelling his name.

"I'm here, Lisa. I'm here. I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry." He pressed a hand to his mouth to hold back the babble of words threatening to tumble out. Taking a deep breath he asked, "Where's Ben?"

"He's spending the night at a friend's." Lisa's voice was calmer but Dean could still hear the underlying fear. He glanced at his brother who was gesturing wildly while talking to Bobby on his own phone. Sam nodded at him.

"Okay, Lisa, this is what I want you to do. I want you to get Ben and go stay with someone until you hear from either me, Sam or Bobby."

"But Dean…."

"Just do it, please." Dean closed his eyes as tears began to gather there. "You'll probably hear from Bobby first. He'll give you something to protect you."

"Who was that man, Dean?"

Dean almost spilled it all but at the last second he bit his tongue. No. He wasn't pulling someone else into this life. Lisa only knew part of what his former life had been like. He'd been sloppy and careless to think she'd never be in harm's way.

"Lisa, just do what I said and you'll be fine."

He shut the phone and leaned heavily against the Impala.

"Bobby said as soon as he gets the ring, he'll go to Lisa's and fix up her up for protection against angels and demons."

Dean nodded absently, his thoughts lingering on the woman and child he had come to care about in the past year. He'd almost cost them their lives. How many more people had to die because of him?

"Dean, we have to go." Sam's hand was on his arm, leading him around to the far side of the car. "Abaddon is on his way. He's after the rings."

Dean allowed himself to be herded into the passenger seat. He glanced up at Sam before shutting the door. "This is why I can't go back, Sammy." His voice was thick with tears. "No matter what you or Lisa or hell, even I want…..I can't go back. I can't ruin someone else's life. I can't be responsible for someone else's death. I can't do it, Sammy."

* * *

Dean was impressed that even with Sam driving they made it to the lock-up in New York an hour earlier than they had planned. They spent most of the drive in silence. Dean had no idea what was going through Sam's head but he had been focusing on what they would do if Abaddon had beaten them to the lock-up. He was pretty sure the angel wasn't going to just grab the ring and leave. He would wait until they got there and check to see if they had the other rings. Dean cursed himself for not leaving War's ring at Bobby's but what bothered him the most was the fact that they didn't have one single weapon to use against an angel.

They gathered the usual weapons, a couple of flashlights and at the last minute Dean grabbed the small battery operated Coleman lamp and shoved it into the bag with the weapons. Sam gave him a quizzical look.

Dean shrugged. "Just in case the lights are out. You never know in these old places. It was pretty dark the first time we were in there."

Dean headed toward the lock-up with Sam close to his shoulder, shotgun covering all angles. Dean knew if the lights were out in the lock-up Sam would balk at going in with just a flashlight and Dean needed back up.

At the door, Dean fumbled with the lock while Sam surveyed the area. He slid the door open on its track and had barely stepped inside before he was flung through the air. He landed hard against the casket in the corner and felt an excruciating pain knife its way through his body. Sam crumpled to the floor next to him, his head thwacking against the edge of the casket.

"Sammy." Dean reached for his brother, who was giving him a dazed look. Dean had time to notice that at least the lights were working when a dark figure appeared from a hidden corner of the room.

"Well, well, well."

Dean recognized the voice immediately. The face that went with it was as oily as the tongue.

"Oh, don't tell me," Dean gasped raggedly. "You're wearing a politician. And I thought Zachariah was skeevy."

"You really never stop, do you?" Abaddon rubbed his hands together in what Dean could only surmise as delight. "Castiel said you were like that."

"What have you done with Cas?" Sam had finally found his voice, although blood was pouring down his face at an alarming rate.

"Never mind about Castiel. Where are those rings? I already have the one you stashed here, Dean. Not very inventive, leaving it out in plain sight on the desk but I guess you never really thought there was a reason to hide it. I mean, after all, you only held on to them in hopes of rescuing your brother. Too bad he didn't bother to tell you he was already out. You could have had the rings destroyed long ago and none of this would be happening now."

Dean saw the look of dismay on Sam's face and Dean wished he had one of Castiel's angel killing knives because he really wanted to stab this smug son of a bitch in his pretty little face. He'd just driven one more nail into the cross Sam bore. How much more could the kid possibly take?

Abaddon was digging in Dean's pockets and he felt strangely violated as he was unable to move away from the angel's insistent hands.

_Talk about being touched by an angel._

When the angel's search proved futile, he turned his attention toward Sam. He fumbled in every pocket, finally smiling triumphantly as he pulled something from the left front pocket of Sam's jeans.

"What the hell is this thing?" Abaddon tossed the object aside and continued his search.

Dean barely noticed as the angel finally found what he was looking for. His eyes were glued to the object Abaddon had thrown to the floor. It was the amulet Sam had given him many years ago at Christmas, the one he had tossed in a trash can on a hopeless night in a different lifetime. Dean stretched out his hand until it closed around the small, brass colored charm and his eyes locked with Sam's. Abaddon placed his foot squarely on Dean's outstretched hand and Dean cried out in pain as he felt something break but he didn't relinquish his hold on the necklace.

"I take it that means something to you?" Abaddon shrugged, holding up the rings for Dean to see. "I've got what I came for anyway. And after I leave here, I'll be paying your friend Bobby a visit and I'll have exactly what I need to open the pit."

"Why would you do that?" Sam was pushing himself up on his elbows.

"Because it's what I'm supposed to do! Unlike you Winchesters, I accept the role I was given. I mean, what else am I going to do? I've been waiting for this for thousands of years."

"But the apocalypse…..we stopped it."

Abaddon wagged a finger at them. "But you also started it. All I was waiting for was the start, not the end. Now I really hate to run but I've got a date with Bobby Singer."

Abaddon headed for the door as Sam staggered to his feet. He reached for Dean, who grasped his hand and managed to pull himself into a half standing, half kneeling position. The pain in his side flared, leaving him gasping for breath.

"I'm sure I'll be seeing you boys." From the outer side of the door, Abaddon gave a flick of his wrist and the door flung itself shut. At the same time every light in the lock-up blew out and Dean had just enough time to see the sheer terror on Sam's battered face before they were engulfed in total darkness.

* * *

**Thanks for reading! To be continued next Thursday...**


	9. Chapter 8

**A/N: Well, here we are. Another Thursday. One more to go and our boys are back! Have you guys seen the promo? SQUEE! And that's all I'll say since I know lots of people are complete spoilerphobes...but that would not be me! ;)**

* * *

Sam shoved past Dean in the dark and he fell to the floor, crying out in agony as the pain sliced through his side.

"Sammy."

Dean fumbled for his bag, his injured hand still clutching the amulet but with the other he reached into the duffel and found the battery operated lamp. He switched it on, thankful that the bulb in it hadn't shattered also.

"Sammy!"

He swung the light toward Sam who appeared to be digging at the door. Sam glanced up at the sudden brightness, hair hanging in his eyes, blood running freely down his face. Dean drug himself across the floor until he was at his brother's side. Sam had once again bent to the task of trying to dig his way out of the lock-up.

"Sammy, stop it." Dean placed the light on the floor and wrapped his arms tightly around his brother. Sam struggled and Dean bit his lip to keep from screaming in pain.

Sam was murmuring under his breath, muscles tensed beneath Dean's grip as if waiting for his brother to loosen his hold so he could once again try to escape this earthly version of hell. Dean was worried about the blow to the head Sam had taken. Blood was running into Sam's eyes but he paid it no heed.

"Sammy, please." Dean pressed his face against Sam's shoulder, moaning as a wave of pain ripped through him. He wasn't sure how much longer he could maintain his hold on Sam. He relaxed his arms for a moment and Sam strained against him. This time the pain crashed down on him, he lost his grip on his brother and collapsed to the floor.

"Dean?" Sam's voice was a tremulous whisper.

Dean drew in a ragged breath and managed to push himself into a sitting position. Sam was shaking uncontrollably but Dean's pain seemed to have brought him out of his compulsion to dig through the floor.

Dean reached for the light and brought it close to his brother's face. Tears were standing in Sam's eyes but both pupils looked normal. No concussion then, just a very bad scalp wound and probably a helluva headache. He caught sight of his brother's mangled hands and groaned.

"Oh, god Sammy." Putting down the light, he cradled his brother's hands in his own. Sam whimpered at his touch. Dean's own broken finger forgotten, he surveyed Sam's long fingered hands, nails broken and bleeding, some of them missing altogether. His eyes then fell on the amulet still clasped in his own hand and he felt a pain inside that had nothing to do with getting tossed through the air by an angel.

"Sammy, are you with me?"

Sam jerked his head in response but his eyes were focused on the light, which was starting to flicker. Dean cursed to himself. The batteries were old and not apt to last much longer. He wasn't sure if Sam could maintain control once the dark descended on them again.

"Sammy, it's okay. I'm right here with you."

Sam was murmuring under his breath. Dean caught the word bury and then the words came faster and louder until Sam was practically shouting.

"buryitforget-buryitforget-buryitforget-buryitforget-buryitforget"

"SAMMY!" Dean grabbed Sam by the shoulders, giving him a brisk shake. Pain ripped through him once more but he ignored it and pulled his little brother close. Sam clutched at him, continuing to mutter his mantra against Dean's chest.

"It's okay, Sammy," Dean whispered through gritted teeth. "There's nothing here in the dark that can hurt you, okay? I'm never going to let them hurt you again."

The light on the floor gave one last pitiful flicker and then went completely out. Sam began to scream.

* * *

Dean rocked his brother in the darkness, mindful of the fact that his strength was quickly waning. There was no cell phone reception inside the lock-up so he'd been unable to call for help. He wanted to believe Bobby was on his way to them by now, that somehow he could get there before Sam went stark raving mad but Dean knew it was hopeless and that once he was dead, Sam would be lost. And he was certain he was dying. Whatever the demons had started at Stull had been finished by a damn angel in New York. Heaven or hell, he couldn't decide which side pissed him off more.

"Sammy?"

No response. It had been that way for hours, hell, maybe even days. Dean had no idea how long they'd been there. Once Sam had finally quit screaming, he had fallen into complete silence.

"You remember that Christmas I got you a Barbie?"

Dean had been trying to keep up a constant stream of comforting words or childhood memories but it was sapping every last ounce of strength he had. He knew Sam remembered the Barbie. It was the same Christmas Sam had given him the amulet.

"You know, it was a mistake but I thought for sure you'd like it once you opened it. I mean, you always were such a girl about things." He tried to laugh but it came out as a cross between a sob and a gasp.

Dean felt something press against his hand and realized it was Sam's mangled fingers reaching for his own.

"Dean?"

"Yeah, Sammy?"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was back."

"It's okay, Sam. I know why you did it." His arms had begun to feel heavy. "Doesn't mean I have to like it though."

Sam shuddered against him in the dark and Dean tried to give him a reassuring squeeze but his arms fell away, hands landing hard against the floor.

"Dean?"

"Sorry, Sammy." His voice was slurred. He felt Sam's arms encircle him, holding him tight.

"NO! Dean…don't leave me, please, don't leave me." Sam's voice was verging on hysteria, his breath hot against Dean's cheek. "God, please, I didn't come back for this!"

"S'my?" His eyelids were growing heavy and he imagined if it wasn't so dark already the world would be getting grey around the edges.

Dean heard something that sounded like a loud explosion and tried to open his eyes but they weren't cooperating. He felt two fingers against his forehead and strength came flowing back into his body.

"What the hell?"

"Hello, Dean."

It had been over a year since he'd heard that voice but he recognized it at once.

"Cas?"

Dean opened his eyes, squinting against a light being held by Bobby, who was standing a few feet behind Castiel. Dean glanced over at the lock-up door and saw it had been blown open by what he could only guess were Castiel's angelic powers.

"Damn but you always did like to make an entrance."

Castiel gave a small smile and Dean was glad to see the angel had retained some of his humanity. Dean turned his attention to Sam, who was still clutching him close.

"Sammy? You can let go."

Sam nodded and released his hold but as Dean started to push himself to his feet, Sam grabbed the bottom of his shirt. Dean knelt back down to Sam's eye level.

"Sammy, it's okay. I'm here…..I'm here." He grasped his brother by the shoulders. "I'm not gonna leave you."

Dean watched his brother's face crumble, fat tears rolling down his dirt grimed face. "I'm sorry, Dean, I'm so sorry." Sam fell against Dean, sobbing. Dean cradled his brother in his arms, pressing his face into the tangled mane of dark hair.

"It's okay, Sammy. Let it go. I'm here and I'm never gonna leave you." He gripped his brother tighter. "Not ever."

* * *

Sam fell asleep, leaning against Dean's shoulder in the back seat of the Impala. Bobby and Castiel had come to the lock-up by way of angel express so Bobby had offered to drive back to South Dakota. He saw Bobby sneaking glances at them in the rear view mirror and knew he should probably follow Sam's example and get some sleep but he was too wound up.

"Where were you, Cas?"

The angel was riding shotgun, which still amused Dean to no end.

"I was detained."

"No crap. We kinda figured that much." Dean shifted his weight so Sam's neck wasn't stretched at such an awkward angle. "Who detained you?"

"Abaddon."

"Son of a bitch!"

"What did he want?" asked Bobby. "To keep you from Dean?"

"No, he was recruiting in Heaven and I tried to stop him."

"Damn, Cas, you're lucky he didn't kill you."

"I think word has gotten around that killing me doesn't work."

Dean was silent for a moment, then burst out laughing. Sam raised his head, giving him a bleary eyed glare. "Sorry, Sammy. Go back to sleep."

Sam's eyes were closed before he ever lowered his head and Dean wondered again exactly how much sleep Sam had lost over the past year.

"Cas?" A question had been gnawing at Dean ever since leaving the lock-up. "Can you heal Sammy? I mean, can his mind be healed the same way you healed our bodies?"

The angel shook his head. "The only way to cure Sam of his memories from the pit would be to wipe his mind completely. Do you think he would want that? Would you want that?"

Dean swallowed hard. No, he didn't want that but what would Sammy want? They had to stop deciding what was best for each other. He'd stood behind Sam in his decision to say yes to Lucifer and he'd stand behind him on this decision too, regardless of the cost.

* * *

Dean was sitting on the steps of Bobby's back porch when a small leather bound book landed in his lap. He glanced up to see Sam standing there. He picked up the book, turning it over in his hand.

"What's this?"

"Read it."

"Sammy, you don't…."

"Yes, I do, Dean. I don't want any more secrets between us."

Sam sat on the step next to him, waiting patiently as he thumbed through the book. By the time Dean was done, he was unable to speak. Pages and pages of nothing but horrible dreams in the few hours of sleep Sam had managed to get since being pulled from the pit, most of them revolving around the dark.

They sat in silence until Dean finally managed to find his voice again. "My God, Sammy. Your eyes….."

Sam gave him a sad smile. "I got them back."

Dean managed a grin of his own. "With even stronger puppy dog powers, if that's possible." He quickly sobered. "Sammy, Cas said he can make you forget all of this."

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I asked him." Sam took the book from Dean's hands, dug a lighter from his pocket and set fire to it. He threw it on the dusty ground and watched it burned.

"Should we get some salt for that?"

Sam laughed and wiped at his eyes. "You said for me to let it go, so I am….or at least I'm trying, but I need to keep my memories, Dean. As hard as they are, they remind me I finally did something right, after all the years of running away, hurting the ones I love, I finally did something that mattered."

"Sammy, you never had to _do_ anything to matter to me."

"I know, Dean. But you've always done everything for me, sacrificed your entire life to take care of me. It's why I didn't tell you I was back. I wanted to do something for you. I want you to understand that."

"I do, Sammy. I told you I do."

"Then go back to Lisa."

"You know I can't, Sammy."

"We can find a way to make it work, Dean. Please. I want so much more for you than this." He took a long look around Bobby's scrap yard and whispered, "More than me."

Dean gripped Sam by the arm. "You're my family, Sammy. It's enough for me. It always has been."

Sam looked up at him, eyes swimming with tears and nodded. "Me too."

"Is this what you call a chick flick moment?"

Sam and Dean both jumped then turned around to glare at the angel who had appeared on Bobby's back porch.

"Dammit, Cas, don't you ever knock?"

Castiel glanced at the back door of the house with a confused look on his face and Dean rolled his eyes at Sam.

"It's not a….ah, never mind. What's up, Cas?"

Secretly he was pleased to see Castiel again. Sam wasn't the only one he had missed in the past year. As much as he would hate to admit it to anyone, he'd missed the angel's awkward presence.

"I found out how to destroy the rings."

"Oh yeah? You don't look too happy about it. Oh wait, you look like that all the time."

Dean nudged Sam, who managed a small smile. They didn't come very often but when they did, Dean felt it was a step closer to Sam being able to put the past behind him.

"So, how do we do it, Cas?" asked Sam. "Can we destroy the one Bobby has or do we need them all?"

"All of them have to be together in order to be destroyed."

"Well, of course they do," said Dean. "Life would be too easy otherwise."

"No, this won't be easy. The rings can only be destroyed in a lake of fire."

"Oh, come on! Are you making this up? Cas, have you been reading Tolkien?" Dean gave his brother a wicked grin. "Dude, I am not carrying your ass up some mountain."

Sam rewarded him with another smile. "Uh..…hello? Samwise was the one who did the carrying. I hope you haven't been eating too many burgers in the last year."

"Hmph…Sam wiseass, maybe." He rubbed his hands together. "So, where's this lake of fire, Cas?"

"It's in Hell, Dean. The lake of fire is in Hell."

* * *

Dean retrieved three beers from the fridge and handed one each to Sam and Bobby. He took a long swig from his own, trying to mask the fear he had felt at Castiel's words. Regardless of what AC/DC said, hell wasn't a good place to be and he didn't want any of them having to take a trip downstairs just to get rid of those damn rings.

"So, Cas said the rings could be destroyed in Hell?" Bobby was already in super geek mode with some of the moldiest old books he had spread open on his desk and in spite of the fear Dean had seen on his little brother's face, Sam was right there looking over Bobby's shoulder. Two geeky peas in a pod.

"He said the name of the lake was Gehenna but I thought Gehenna was just another name for Hell."

"Well, apparently not." Bobby tapped his finger against the open page and Sam's brow furrowed in concentration as he read the words printed there.

Dean sank down into Bobby's old couch, wishing he could just lay his head back and go to sleep, forget the past year…..hell, forget the past few years but then he thought of the things he would be forgetting and he understood why Sam had chosen to hold on to his memories, both good and bad. The good memories were what got you through the bad. Damn, if he wasn't getting philosophical in his old age.

Dean felt the cushions move under him and knew Sam had parked himself on the other end of the couch. He peeked from under one eyelid and found his brother staring at him. Sam shot him a questioning look.

"Dude, I'm okay."

Sam didn't appear totally convinced but he nodded and started poring over one of the dusty tomes from Bobby's desk that was perched in his lap. Dean shifted his weight until one knee was touching his brother's and he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

**A/N: Well, formatting here wouldn't let me type Sam's "bury it, forget" mantra the way I originally had it. There were supposed to be no hyphens or spaces in it, just one long word as Sam was frantically repeating it to himself. *sigh* So next week the epilogue and the end! Thanks to everyone who continues to hang in there. **


	10. Epilogue

**A/N: Well, here we are at the end of another story for me and tomorrow will be the beginning of a new chapter for those Winchester boys we love so much. Thanks to everyone who has been reading this one. It's been great talking to you guys and meeting new people along the way. Would love to hear from all of you. I'm always up for chatting a bit if you ever want to PM me. :) Oh, and if you're going to the Chicago con in two weeks, maybe I'll see you there!**

* * *

_I don't want to live_

_To waste another day_

_Underneath the shadows of mistakes I've made_

Dean was rummaging in the trunk of the Impala, making sure everything was in order before they left, as Sam pounded down the front steps of Bobby's house and tossed his bag into the backseat.

"Got everything?"

"Yeah, I think so. Bobby let us borrow a couple of his books."

"Nothing like some nice light reading for the road." Dean shook his head and slammed the trunk shut. "Hey, Sammy?"

"Yeah?"

"That night in the lock-up, when you said 'I didn't come back for this', what did you mean?"

Sam lowered his eyes. "Nothing. I was just…..I was out of my head, Dean."

"No, I don't think you were. I've been giving it a lot of thought, Sammy." Dean paused for a moment, as if he had difficulty saying what came next. "God pulled you out of the pit, didn't he?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

He absently rubbed his left hip and glanced up at his brother to find Dean watching his every move.

Dean dug in his pocket and brought out the amulet. "Was this in your pocket while you were in the pit?"

"Yes, but…."

"Drop your pants, Sammy."

"What?" Sam gave him an incredulous look. "Have you lost your friggin' mind?"

Dean shrugged. "Maybe. Now drop 'em."

Sam shook his head, knowing what his brother wanted to see. "It's there, Dean. Burned into my hip."

"I wanna see."

Sam gave a huff and unbuttoned his jeans, pulling the left side down so Dean could see the scar left by the burning amulet. Dean bent down to examine the mark and Sam jerked his pants back up.

"I'll take you a picture so you can examine it more closely, okay?"

"What's the matter, Sammy?" Dean wagged his eyebrows suggestively. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"Friggin' jerk."

"Bitch."

Dean gave him an apprehensive look and Sam realized it had been a long time since those terms of endearment had so easily passed their lips.

Dean's face became serious again. "Why'd you do it, Sammy?"

"Do what?"

"You had a choice, didn't you?" Dean searched his brother's eyes. "God gave you a choice and you decided to come back. Why? Just so you could be alone? Why didn't you go with him, Sammy?"

Sam bit his lip, staring off into the scrap yard, blinking back the tears in his eyes. "I had to see you, Dean. I had to make sure you were okay. I thought you were. I'm so sorry."

"You should have gone with him." Dean's eyes were shining with tears of his own. "You deserved some peace. If anyone deserves it, Sammy, it's you."

Sam gave a hollow laugh. "Do you remember what our last trip to Heaven was like? I wasn't really in a hurry for a return visit."

"Zachariah manipulated that trip and you know it, Sammy."

"Yeah, well…." He let the thought drift away.

"What about Adam? Did he have a choice?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah, he did, Dean. He didn't come back."

Dean studied the Impala keys he was holding in his hand, finally peeking up at his brother through lowered lids. "Sammy, I just want you to know how proud I am of you."

"Dean…."

"No, just let me finish. I really didn't think you'd do it….hold off Lucifer and jump into the pit. I mean, I wanted to think if anyone could do it, you could, but I really didn't think it was possible. When I made that promise to you I thought we were both gonna die that day." Dean gave him a tearful smile. "You proved me wrong."

"Thanks." Sam shuffled his feet in the dirt, then motioned to the amulet in Dean's hand. "Do you think you could put that back on now?"

"Sure, I can do that." He stared hard at his brother. "If that's what you want. I'm sorry I threw it away, Sam. I just….I wasn't…"

"It's okay, Dean. I deserved it. After all I put you through, after all the times I let you down and turned my back on you…..I just….." He swallowed hard, unable to continue. He'd let his brother down when he'd needed him the most.

"Look, I don't know about you, but I'm ready to put the past behind us and move on, okay?" Dean pulled the amulet over his head, smiling as the familiar charm thunked against his chest. "Neither one of us was thinking very clearly back then."

Sam managed a meager smile and nodded in agreement. "I guess with all we've been through we're entitled to a moment of complete madness every once in awhile."

"Hmph." Dean headed toward the driver's side, tossing his brother a look over the roof of the car. "Sometimes I wonder why we don't just curl up in the corner and stay there."

This time Sam gave him a genuine smile. "Because we've got work to do."

**THE END**

* * *

**A/N: When I started this story my only purpose was to get the boys back together, get the amulet back around Dean's neck and to end with the phrase "Because we've got work to do." As always, while I was writing other ideas began sneaking into my head so I'm very seriously playing with the possibility of a sequel but it would be completely AU and that would be new for me. I usually just do missing scene type stuff. Anyway, hope you guys aren't too mad that I left the Abaddon story hanging but that was kinda on purpose just to see what I might do with it. :) I also wanted to list the Shinedown songs used in this fic so here they are in order of appearance:**

**Prologue-Sound of Madness**

**Ch. 1-Call Me**

**Ch. 2-What a Shame**

**Ch. 7-If You Only Knew**

**Epilogue-Breaking Inside**

**All these songs are from the CD The Sound of Madness. Buy it! It's awesome! **


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